


I Would Be Lost Without You

by badlifechoices



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Protective Fíli, Sibling Incest, about everything, also Fíli worries too much, and, mostly Kíli
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-18
Updated: 2015-02-18
Packaged: 2018-03-13 16:42:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3388868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badlifechoices/pseuds/badlifechoices
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kíli had always meant home and safety to him but now it was different. Now the feeling was tinted with something else, something deeper that he shouldn’t want to explore, that he should want to feel. | Fíli tries to come to terms with the feelings growing in his heart and in his fear of losing Kíli he tries to distance himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Would Be Lost Without You

**Author's Note:**

> Commission for the amazing Yohaly!
> 
> I'm still taking commissions, please take a look: http://legolastheprettiestelf.tumblr.com/post/110014768302/fanfic-commissions

They’ve always been close. Closer than most of other siblings were. They’ve always played together, hunted together, fought together. Always shared hugs, kissed each other’s foreheads after a battle or successful hunts. They used to share a bed when they were younger and even as they grew older when one of them had a nightmare they would always sneak into their brother’s bedroom for comfort and warmth. They've always been there for each other, never separated for more than a few hours at a time. Sometimes he thought without his brother the world would be an empty and lonely place. Without the jokes and laughter, the voice that was so dear to him. And he’s always felt like he had to protect him, precious, carefree Kíli even though he was only a few years older than him. It was this urge to protect him, to keep him safe that had him ignore whatever feelings were growing in his heart at first.

It didn’t happen suddenly, not in the heat of battle when his instincts were taking over. No, instead it was a slow process and there was no apology he could have for feeling the way he did. One day he started noticing just how much he loved that wide, honest smile on Kíli’s face, how his laughter filled him with warmth and happiness. Kíli had always meant home and safety to him but now it was different. Now the feeling was tinted with something else, something deeper that he shouldn’t want to explore, that he should want to feel. Every casual touch felt different, every brushing of their hands made his skin tingle as though ants were crawling all over his body. With every embrace he took in that familiar scent and the thought crept into his mind that he wanted it to surround him all the time. When before parting from his brother even for a short time felt like leaving a part of himself behind it now was as if someone was tearing him apart. Not having him around seemed unbearable to him and his chest ached with every moment that he didn’t know his brother was safe.

And it was wrong, oh so wrong how he wanted to just pull him close and lose himself in his warmth. Of course he had seen his brother’s body many times, he dared to say that he knew him almost better than Kíli did himself. But in the stillness of the night he found himself wishing he could explore his form once again, bury his hands in that soft hair, run his fingers down his muscular arms and chest, taste his skin… Fíli had been ashamed of these feelings, had tried to disregard them and lock them away somewhere in the darker corners of his conscious. But they would always surface again and in his desperation the only way out he saw was to bring distance between himself and his beloved brother.

 

It was weeks after Thorin had shown up on their doorstep, bearing news and stories of the lonely mountain as he so often did when they were younger. But now their uncle was talking of an expedition, of a party that should take back Erebor the home of their fathers and grandfathers that Smaug had taken from them in his greed. And the older dwarf had not needed much to persuade them into joining him. Always had the desire to see the mighty mountain for themselves been in their hearts and not an hour had passed when Kíli started exclaiming that he would go and Fíli, though worried by the warnings of their father had found himself equally eager to take part in this adventure.

And so they were travelling together with a party of ten other dwarves, all of them older and wiser than they were. But they did not feel out of place even though they had never seen the mountain with their own eyes. And yet Fíli could not find joy in the stories and songs, the nights huddled around the fire and the company of the others. He did not outright avoid Kíli but he tried as best as possible to stick to Balin and Dwalin instead of spending every moment of their journey at his brother’s side. And never had he expected it to hurt like it did to see Kíli laughing and joking with the others. His chest ached whenever he saw that bright smile directed at someone else. Days passed when they did not speak a single word to each other and the distance between them seemed wider than the great sea to the west.

But it was for the best, he promised himself. If Kíli were to ever find out about the dark and forbidden desires he hid in his heart, he would surely not wish to be close to him again. The thought of his brother hating him pained him even more than the ache in his chest did. And so, whenever he felt the familiar gaze resting on him, he ignored it. Whenever the other male approached him, he turned away and pretended to be busy with something else.

By the time they reached the Shire he felt like he was losing his wits. The ache in his chest had spread all throughout his body and it grew altogether more difficult to fake a smile or laugh whenever something, well, funny happened.

 

It was the night they spent at the Green Dragon Inn in Bywater that he could no longer avoid talking to his brother. Fíli was sitting at the fireplace and was staring at the dimly glowing woods, letting himself wonder for a brief moment if this journey had truly been a good idea. He’d thought to be the only one left in the taproom when suddenly he heard a familiar set of footfalls behind him.

“You have been avoiding me lately.” The young dwarf did not turn around to face the other male.

“I haven’t. I have just been talking to Balin a lot. And it seemed you were occupied making friends as well, Kíli.” And truly he felt not only guilt but also shame gnawing at his heart for lying to his brother like he did but there was nothing else he could do. For a moment neither of them spoke and only the crackling logs disturbed the silence that was falling over them.

“Fine. If you do not wish to tell me the truth so be it. I wish you a good night.” It was all Kíli said before he turned around and left. The older dwarf closed his eyes for a moment, clenching his teeth in order to resist the desire to call out to his brother. Oh how dearly he wanted to tell him the truth, how dearly he wanted to just stop him from leaving and wrap his arms around him. How he wanted to hold him and know that everything was alright between them. But that other desire, that dangerous and forbidden need was still there and he didn’t dare to move. When he finally brought himself to look up, Kíli was already gone and he was once again alone. Alone with his thoughts and the nagging voice at the back of his head that whispered to him what a horrible brother he was.

The following day he talked to his brother again. They walked next to each other and chatted like nothing had ever transpired between the both of them. But Fíli still avoided to get too close to him. Never did he allow their shoulders to brush or their hands to touch and no matter how casual their conversation seemed to everyone else, he was unable to look up into Kíli’s eyes. The young dwarf was afraid of what he would see there. Maybe Kíli already knew, given he obviously suspected that something was wrong but if he did, he didn’t betray it with any word or gesture.

 _He is your brother._ Fíli reminded himself as he looked down on him that night. All of them had found beds or couches or at least a comfortable space in front of the fire in Bilbo’s hobbit-hole but he could not find any sleep. Instead he marvelled over how calm and at peace Kíli looked in his sleep. It reminded him of the time when they still shared a bed. _This makes it even more wrong._ Of course he was supposed to love his brother but not like this, not the way he did… Now more than ever he was determined to lock those horrible thoughts away and forget about them once and for all. He could not lose his brother over something like this! With a sigh he moved to the comfortable armchair he had chosen for the night and tried to get at least a bit of rest. They had a long journey ahead of them after all.

 

Not even a week later he found himself unable to keep the promise he had made that night. They had been captured by trolls. Actual, living trolls who had been about to eat them. Fíli was convinced that never before in his life he had been so scared, not only for his own life but for that of his brother even more. It was his responsibility to ensure the other’s safety and yet he had failed again.

They escaped unscathed with the help of their burglar and Gandalf who showed up just at the right time again. But Fíli could not forget the look on his brother’s face when he had been grabbed by those large hands. The panic that replaced the determination and courage. The way the dark eyes widened and then searched for him on the ground, silently screaming for help. Once they had gotten rid of the stinking bags he couldn’t help himself. He crossed the distance between them and took Kíli’s face in his hands. The desire to make sure he was alright and unharmed was greater than everything else and he sighed in relief when the younger dwarf reassured him that he was fine.

“I thought I’d lose you, Kíli.” He whispered, only audible for the both of them and Kíli’s hands found his shoulders, holding him fast. Their faces were inches apart and it would only take a moment of bravery or foolishness to join their lips. For a moment it was just the both of them. Everything around them faded away until it was mere background noise.

“You didn’t. You won’t. We’re brothers, remember? We belong together.” And the words, spoken in such a gentle tone, reminded him harshly just how wrong it was to even think the way he did.

“Yes. Yes we do.” He forced a smile and pulled the younger male into a hug. It wasn’t that the warmth and the oh-so familiar scent made it any easier to resist the temptation but at least he did not have to look at those beautiful eyes anymore.

 

Throughout the whole day he tried to figure out how he was supposed to deal with what was going on in his heart. With the ache that never seemed to go away no matter how much he tried to convince himself that it was _good_ the way it was. He had a brother who loved him and who would have his back no matter what happened. What more could he possibly want? The answer to that question echoed in his head but he pushed it away hastily. _No._ No, his mother would weep if she knew about this and his brother, his brother would hate him.

 

That night he felt cold no matter how tightly he wrapped his cloak around him and how close he shifted to the fire. It was as though the cold was creeping into his chest to make a nest inside his heart.

Before he could reach for the blanket he had in his bag though, someone laid down next to him. He started but quickly recognised the familiar shape against the light of the flames. A hand found his own and as though they had a will of their own, their fingers entwined.

“Fíli.” His brother whispered and then suddenly he was so close that their bodies were pressed together and Fíli could feel the warmth seeping through his clothes. He shivered. Carefully he touched their foreheads together and he could practically feel the smile that spread over the other’s lips.

“You are so warm.” That was all he could get out because everything else seemed stuck in his throat. Just like his head appeared to have stopped working because the voice of reason was suddenly drowned out by something else entirely. It was Kíli who moved first, just tilting his head a tiny bit to brush their lips together. It was nothing but a gentle touch, a kiss as innocent as it could be and yet it seemed to warm him to the core. The cold in his chest disappeared like it had never been there in the first place and instead happiness bubbled up inside him.

Their lips brushed again, lingering for a moment this time. “Kíli…” He started but his brother shushed him.

„Let us not think about it now.“ And Fíli agreed. Of course it wasn’t right or good but all of that was suddenly no longer important. Kíli didn’t hate him, Kíli wasn’t disgusted by him, instead he was lying here with him, their hands and foreheads joined. This night belonged to them. What the next day would bring neither of them knew but in this moment nothing mattered but them and the sweet, lingering kisses they shared as the moon slowly climbed up to its throne and cast a silvery light over their sleeping forms.

 

-the end-


End file.
